Being put on a pedestal, "taken care of," has never felt "right" to me. I tried to convince myself that it WAS right, but it never worked. I spent many years in a marriage like that, that just never felt right. Perhaps I'm just different from most people, or more honest about what I want and need. Whatever it is, the mainstream idea of "love" was not what I needed.

I did find what I needed when I discovered and began exploring the D/s (Dominance/submission) lifestyle. I was fascinated by it from the time I was very young, in my teens. I told myself that was not right, not how love should be, etc., but it always attracted me. Finally, in a D/s chat room on IRC (internet relay chat) I met a man who had the same dark passions as I have. We just "clicked" and, for the first time in my life, my love felt "right."

For me, my D/s lifestyle and lovestyle includes physical pain, humiliation, punishments from the man that I love, and who loves me in return. It is a very special kind of love that we share. At first, it seemed all a harmless fantasy, he lived many miles away from me, and it was just a game. Well, we discovered we were drawn toward each other, neither of us could deny our feelings any longer. We had to meet, had to see if our dark desires truly were as satisfying in real life as they were in our fantasy life.

We met, and I surrendered to him. He took control of me--He gave orders, I obeyed. He hurt me for the pleasure that it gave to both of us. I craved the pain that he gave me; I wanted it, needed it, had to have it. He took the same pleasure and excitement in hurting me that I took in receiving the pain. We both let our dark passions free; we gave in to what we needed and wanted. It was glorious, and there is no going back now, to the world of light, for either of us.